Kim Jones...Will You Marry Me?

Okay, so I have been waiting to drop this column so badly, and after The SportsBrah's launched basically smack dab in the middle of baseball's All-Star week, I had no choice but be patient for the right moment. It's like the moment you are looking into a girls eyes that you are really into. You know you want to kiss her so badly. You are talking to yourself while simultaneously in a deep stare: Will she go for it? Am I being an awkward turkey? Does my breathe smell? I wonder how soft her boobs are...Sorry, got a little side tracked there for a minute. But what I was going to say is that ALL good things are worth waiting for. For me, the thing is none other then the lovely and charmingly beautiful Yankees sideline reporter Kimberly Jones. God I just want to make out with her, or even just get lost in her jungle of blonde hair. From here on out, every time Kim demonstrates her immense beauty, not to mention her phenom T n' A your boy Dbl-A will be dedicating a nice column in her honor. "Hey dad can you get me some cold water, Kim Jones looks way too hot again today and I...uh...can't stand up." Hate when that happens.

Her outfit today made her look like an angelic goddess, draped in heavenly loins or some shit. I mean, you look around at the fans in the stadium- all of them were sweating bullets like Jason Patric was about to use their faces as punching bags. Kim was not stressing. Her sweat was turning into perfume right before the viewers eyes. A miracle I tell you!

Kim is great at what she does, but is even BETTER looking while she's doing it. She's basically the textbook "5 tool player" when it comes to media and sports reporters. Look at the credentials: Got the brains, experience, charm, looks, and instincts. Let me tell you, those instincts of hers helped her divert an early season encounter with a creepy Yankees fan at Target Field in Minnesota, that tried and successfully took a bite out of her pork chop.

Resultantly, Kim told the unprepared goon: "I'll give the rest of it to you, if you go away."

Wow. The chick has got it all I say! The guts and guile. Just telling it like it is. Chicks like that are freaks in the sack. No way Kimberly is the exception. When I saw that I was literally whispering to myself over and over in the voice of the girl from The Ring: "who fucks her?"

So it's only fitting...Kimberly Jones, will you marry me? You're mature, hot, have a lucrative career, and I'm...horny- It's perfect!

P.S. I must say those instincts of hers would see right through me in a second. I can picture it now: Kim and I meet at the Yankees Mohegan Sun restaurant located in centerfield. As I'm about to buy her a drink she goes "what's that on your forehead? It say's something." Great! my reputation proceeds me. Will I ever get rid of the proverbial stamp on my forehead that reads "I SNIFF PANTIES."? Guess not.

-Dbl-A