The Midday "Munch Box": Two Dudes Battle A Python In A Micky D's

AZCentral  - MELBOURNE, Australia - Two men were arrested after bewildered diners at a McDonald's spotted them wrestling a 5-foot python named Boris in the restaurant parking lot, police said Thursday. Victoria state police say the men stole the 8-year-old black-headed python and a lizard from a pet shop on Wednesday. They then brought the snake to the McDonald's parking lot, where they began wrestling with it in front of puzzled customers, police said...Black-headed pythons are native to northern Australia. They are not venomous, and aren't likely to bite unless they're hunting prey.

Oh you know, just your typical story about two retards stealing a massive snake and wrestling with it in a Mcdonalds while they try and go Stone Cold Steve Austin on it and fail. Listen, we all do stupid shit sometimes, and in the famous words of Mike Tyson, we "all do dumb shit when we're fucked up." That's all kosher, and I certainly would never disagree with Iron Mike anyday for obvious reasons, but these dudes weren't fucked up on anything. Looks like a situation where you just have two brohans who are collectively missing a chromosome. Or maybe a couple. Not exactly sure what defines retardation, but I'm pretty sure these dudes could qualify as such. First off, there's always 3 things in life that your boy Dbl-A tries to avoid and stay away from at ALL costs. Bees, chicks with hair on their backs, and of course, fucking snakes. Obviously, getting stung by a hornet or a yellow jacket feels about as good as kidney stones but they won't kill you unless you pull a Macauley Culkin and fuck with an enitre hive like in My Girl (I really did just die inside a little). When you see a girl has a hairy back its a complete game changer. Call it a point of no return. You can get that shit lasered off but I will never be able to shake the thought of getting a back pube stuck in my teeth during sexy time. Shit happens, but the line must be drawn somewhere. Nevertheless, back hair WON'T kill you. But, do you know what will? Five foot fucking long Pythons are what.

Apparently, these particular snakes are not poisonous and will not attack unless hunting prey. So can you count on them being dangerous when two dumbasses are trying to pull their best Chris Benoit impression on it and get it in the crippler cross face? Your damn right they could. But, go ahead fellas. Take on a stolen python thats half your combined sizes and I'll watch from the ball pit. I guess you can't say you have fully lived life until you see two asshole bros getting their domes crushed in the death grip of a massive snake, while you chomp on your $1 cheeseburgers and slurp your Mcflurry like it resembles Marisa Miller's creamy love hole.

-Dbl-A